Tuesday, November 30, 2010

This kettle is boiling over, I think I'm a banana tree (Oh dear)

I feel as though I am being backed into a corner by all of the pressures of life. Family drama, being a Mom, responsibilities, and a massive pile of laundry; this kettle is boiling over, as Freddie Mercury sang in I'm Going Slightly Mad. I try to handle all of these things myself and I ultimately fail. It's normally at the peak of my day where I only have thirty minutes left alone and I crack. I find myself in my living room looking like a "hot mess" and crying in frustration. Constance cries right along with me, so at least I'm not alone. (Although I am sure her tears are falling for an entirely different reason.)

I sometimes feel awful for getting this way. I imagined Mommyhood being so fabulous and perfect, while in reality I find myself with crazy hair and a short temper. While it is wonderful, this new responsibility is an abundance of hard work. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be the best, because that is what my husband and daughter deserve. However, I overwhelm myself too much. I throw too many tasks onto the endless agenda called my "to do list." My best bet? Chill. Get things done, make the best of life, but don't panic if it isn't perfect. & More than anything, give it to God. Give it to Him 100 billion x infinity times a day, because that's how many times I'll need to. Praise Him when it's good and my hair is perfect, praise Him when it's bad and my favorite sweater has spit up all over it. (The extremities in which good and bad occcur can vary, of course. I've just let myself become bothered even by the little things.)

Ohhh life. There are days I miss my pre-Mom life, but I also know I can't imagine life without Constance. Before she was born, I never knew the love you could feel for your own child. I never knew how much I would love nursing and that great satisfaction I feel in knowing she needs me. I also never knew how natural motherhood would seem, how right it would be. I never knew how her lovely smile can erase even the ugliest of moments. Those moments and realizations absolutely win in comparison to all of the craziness I experience and how overwhelming it can seem. I am happy to be her Mommy, I am just poor at adjusting. However, I am a quick learner. So I guess it's time to learn to balance and adjust.

Only by the grace of God ...

1 comment:

  1. Hayden is the best thing that ever happened to me but there were many times those first 3 months where I thought "What the heck?" I was always crying and so short with Heath. It gets better!


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