It is easier for a person to understand something smaller and more relatable, rather than just stamping it with a big word that has all kind of definitions to the world. I've lived the past several years of my life angry over things that weren't true, only because they were all I could comprehend. The monster is a lot bigger though, something too much for a young adolescent to take in completely. Realizing how big the monster is opens up all kinds of wounds, it pulls up deep rooted anger and pain that I never knew existed. I am thankful I never knew, that there was a caretaker who protected me from the monster. They protected me from the way this monster seeped in and destroyed families and lives; they made sure I remained innocent despite what I would see. It is unfortunate that I have to face up with this monster now, especially when I had thought the pain and anger of childhood was all behind me. I now realize that I didn't even know what was hurting me or affecting me so deeply.
However, I know this is part of God's plan. I will soon be a caretaker myself to a little girl. A little girl who just might be like the little girl I once was, the one I've been crying for. God is protecting her already from the damaging cycles of a monster that hasn't been tamed.
I hate this monster more than anything I have ever hated in my life. I am trying to understand it, trying to educate myself so I'll cope with it better. I love the person that this monster is controlling. I am just angry that they're filled with too much pride to admit that they're sick, that they need help. The only thing that will save them now is the Lord, I can't jump in.
I feel so alone. I have very few who understand, who I know will stand right beside me. There are many in this world who have a hard time understanding monsters, who don't even believe in monsters. This monster is just a joke they use when describing someone that acts a little funny, they have no comprehension of it's true destruction. This makes me a little annoyed and a little angry. Monsters like this are no joke at all. I look back at my life and what this monster has done; I don't find myself laughing, just hurting for those that stood it in it's path.
I think it's a good thing to cry, a good thing to let these emotions flow as fast and hard as they want to. I have to face this monster, give it to the only One who can carry it, and pray for the person this monster continually affects.
This will always be a part of my life, but I refuse to let it destroy me. I can't tame the monster, I can't make it go away, and I can't protect the person who is dealing with it. All I can do is allow myself to feel whatever emotion this monster provokes, pray, and love.