I've been quiet lately. I've purposely made my life a little quieter, so that I could take a break from nonsense. Somewhere along the way, I got caught up in the work of the ministry but forgot why I was even doing it. My husband answered the call to preach in 2014 and since that time, I've agonized over so many things in order to please and qualify him for whatever position God has for him. Don't get me wrong - a preacher ought to have standards, as should his wife. However, it became more about the politics, the appearances, and pleasing everyone's idea of what a preacher should be instead of it being what it should be: pleasing God. I don't say all of this to resign myself from any responsibility that God has given me by calling me to be a preacher's wife and mother. However, the clutter that can fill one's mind over trying to be everything in their own strength is terribly exhausting.
I admit that I haven't always been in my Bible or praying like I ought to, which will very easily mess up the way we see things. That's why I have had to get quiet and just simplify. I had to ask the Lord to show me, why in the world are we doing this? Why am I here?
I don't have all of the answers. It would be foolish to try and convince anyone that I do. However, God quickly responded with reminding me that I can't know anything without His Word. As I read it each day, He shows me things about myself and reminds me of things I need to know. I remember why I ever desired to serve, in whatever capacity He blessed us with, and why it's worth it. He reminded me of my calling as a wife and mother, something I've taken much for granted and even resented for a short time. He gives me a little push when I hear my kids talking about Him in the backseat of the car, reminding me that my greatest responsibility is to direct them to Him. He shows me how much others need love and grace.
I've seen some pretty ridiculous stuff in the ministry in my short time thus far, so that can definitely mess with me too. I get why some folks just throw their hands up and from that point forward, they only slightly resemble the servant of Christ that they used to be. That's another reason I've had to be quiet. I've been angry, so very angry about things I've seen. At times, the drama has consumed my thoughts and I've thought - "who in their right mind subjects themselves to this?" It's really weird, but God just gave me peace about it. I'm not happy with things I've seen or the way people can be towards one another, but the Lord is ultimately the one they have to answer to. I can only answer for myself. I've got peace that God wants us to serve in spite of the trouble. That's so easy to say, not as easy to live. That's why I say this peace is really weird, because I've even tried mustering up more anger and honestly, the Holy Spirit just kinda shuts it down. (I find that peace in God's Word, by the way.)
I often share about simplifying my life and this is how I'm doing it in the spiritual sense. I envy my younger Christian self, as I hadn't been wounded or worried about what people thought. I just wanted to serve Jesus and love people! My standards were real to me because God was the driving force behind it, not pleasing man or keeping up with others. Before I'm ever good at anything else that God has given me to do, I have to keep that the main thing. I believe if I just stay in the Word and allow it to transform me, I'll be acceptable in His sight as a wife, mom, preacher's wife, woman in the church, pianist, singer, and lady that chases her toddler through the sanctuary as she tries to keep her out of the kleenexes.