After beginning the lowest dosage, i noticed a change immediately. Perhaps some of that was placebo, but I don't really care. I was starting to be able to face my fears head on and look at them just like they were. Today, it's even better. I still get anxious, I still have crazy thoughts - but I WANT that to happen. Because when it does, I can learn to deal with it again. I can go to the Lord in prayer, with peace of mind, and get the help I need. My thoughts were racing so badly before that I just couldn't do that. I would constantly obsess over something that wasn't helping me. I can also just say - "hey you're anxious. It's just a feeling. Move on." It's been months since I could do that.
I don't really know what triggered this anxiety in me, though it did seem to hit when I was experiencing some fairly big changes in my life. I was also about 8 or 9 months post partum at the time and really, I haven't been the same since I had my youngest baby. So, it was probably just a bunch of things hitting at once. My mind got all out of whack and was not functioning properly. Just like a diabetic needs medication to help correct something that isn't right in their body, I realized that I need medication to help me. It isn't a fix all or a happy pill, it's just a tool to help me.
The Lord has been so good to me through this experience. I have had many days where I just couldn't find peace about anything, and in spite of my racing and intrusive thoughts, He would still speak peace to my heart and give me strength to fight through even when I didn't think I could. This situation has brought me closer to Him and has given me a desire to want to know Him more. Maybe being on medicine makes me determined that my peace will come from Him and not a pill. Who knows. All I do know is that I'm thankful for how He has been there.
Lastly, my husband has been my biggest support. I know it isn't easy to come home from a hard job and not know what you're going to be walking into. Many days, especially when I began experiencing this, he would find me in tears as I was paralyzed with fear. He wanted so badly to do something or say something that could help, but my mind was beyond all form of reason. He has listened to my fears and helped me through many bad days, giving so much of himself to be strong for me. This is the way God commands husbands to love their wives - like Christ loves the church. There have been many hard days, but Joshua has been faithful to pray for me and encourage me in spite of his own weariness.
This week I begin some new adventures in my life, as I start teaching in a Christian school and my kids begin school as well. I'm sure I'll be shaking in my boots the first day because of the first day jitters, but it'll pass. I'll experience that weird social anxiety around other adults that I always have and then it'll be over as I get used to my new surroundings. I'm cool with that. I get it that I'll always be weird, always a wallflower by nature, and high strung over silly things. I'm happy that I can have fears and anxiety, but that I can deal with them. This experience has taught me that I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was and by God's grace, I can get through more than I ever imagined.