Friday, September 19, 2014

I Found Grace

Yesterday I reached my wits end with potty training. This isn't the first time this has happened, as we have been at this for over a year. Constance had too many "number two" accidents to even mention and I was losing my mind. I lost my temper and just thought to myself, "man, how bad can this get?! Why can't she just go in the toilet?!?!?" So, I sought advice on my BabyCenter board, because I was hoping someone would have a magic trick to make this go away.
Their responses mainly sounded like this: "Oh yeah my little one dealt with that too. They were five before they really got number two down and they were great going the other. I just had to stop flipping out over it and be patient. As long as there aren't any underlying issues, she will get it."
Every single one response. No magic trick or weird gimmick. Just patience. Uh huh.
When my husband called and I told him what was going along, including the exact number of how many times these accidents occurred, he responded with, "Well, do you think God keeps count of how many times you mess up?"
I was only seeing myself here and the fact that I felt like my house would smell eternally like poo as I was changing mess after mess. I didn't care that my daughter was listening to the tone of my voice or the hurtful things I was saying ... I needed validation of some kind and no one was giving it to me!
Between the sermon lastnight and my studies today, The Lord has been getting ahold of my heart on these issues, how I look at being a mom. Often times we desire children to fulfill a need within ourselves and we rarely realize the great responsibility and calling this puts on our lives, going way beyond ourselves. As a Christian, being a mom is a call to service. It is to raise and nuture children in the admonition of The Lord. It is to lead them to Christ, not only with our words but also in deed. I suppose as the days get crazy and my house is wrecked with toys & smelly kids, I don't see it that way. I see myself and the fact that this isn't as easy as I thought. 
It's amazing how The Lord uses His Word to show us these things, to shed light on the sin that is weighing us down. As my night came to a close and I began to think about how grateful I am for this life God has blessed me with, I couldn't help but feel heartbroken for the attitude that I've had. I stood over my little girl as she slept so soundly and cried, praying for God's forgiveness and His grace. I thanked Him that even though I have wasted many days thinking only of myself, I am given another hour to be this sweet girl's mother. My heart was hurting and I wondered how in the world I would get past myself and all I could hear was "but Noah found grace in the eyes of The Lord." Over and over again. Grace - God's riches at Christ's expense, that which I do not deserve being given to me freely. I just can't even tell you what that did to for this heart. I can't tell you how glad I am that the King of kings still meets with me and speaks to me in those quiet moments. It's ironic that even when I went elsewhere to seek advice, He was still talking to me and guiding me on what to do.
As I cried over her this evening, I remembered a time just almost four years ago where I stood over her little bassinet at the hospital. I was just told she wasn't coming home with us right away, that they suspected spinal meningitis and needed to begin antibiotics and testing. I watched her in that tiny little bed and tears poured down my face, because there was nothing I could do for her but pray. That memory gave me reason to be thankful, because the Lord healed her of what ever had concerned the pediatrician that day. My frustrations are small compared to wondering if my child was going to be okay or not. He has kept her in my life, constantly teaching me patience and grace. He has given me the privilege of watching her grow and learn about the world around her. He has given me the high calling of teaching her about Him and nurturing her sweet spirit as she begins to understand eternity. 

Four years ago, I was big and pregnant right about this time dreaming about a sweet, pink baby girl all dressed up and having the cutest diaper bag ever. All I could think about was how cute she was going to be and how much fun it was going to be when she was here. She has been that and so much more. She has been God's little helper in teaching me the ways of grace. 

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Thanks for reading my post! & God bless! :)