Lessons from my piano ...

Four years ago, my husband began encouraging me to learn to play piano. I always wanted to and had even taken a couple lessons, but I felt I was too impatient to learn. Maybe that's why I needed to learn! 

Somewhere in my life, I heard you're only useful if you are the absolute best. I remember not wanting to sing at church because I couldn't hit high notes. I remember not wanting to try to do well in school because being smart wasn't me. It was a lazy mindset and a cop out even, but that is truly how I looked at things. I figured I was one of those people who wouldn't achieve much. I wasn't down about it, that's just how I saw things.

I remember my heart on all of that began to change when I heard a youth choir sing a while back. They weren't the greatest singers, but they were praising the Lord and it blessed me. Their willingness to give their best, not the best, but the best they had, made a huge impact on me. It wasn't long after that when I began to sing at church in spite of any insecurity I had.

I decided to play the piano because I wanted to be a help to the church. I wanted to be able to accompany myself or Josh if no other musician was able. I wanted to play pretty stuff. I was encouraged to play each time I learned something new, even if it was the most basic thing. And the Lord blessed. With the Lord's help and tips from others with much more experience and knowledge, I reached my goals. 

That doesn't necessarily mean my unhealthy mindset has left me. I've been evaluating my piano playing a lot lately and as someone who is impatient and has a hard time taking correction, I've gotten discouraged. I've thought, "I can't play like that guy or read sheet music very well like that gal. I stink at this." I think because I haven't arrived at some level of achievement, I just really need to sit out and quit. Hide under a rock and hum to myself or something. 

But quitting isn't an option. After I botched a new song Wednesday night at church, I sat at my piano this morning and played it again.  I could hear where I got lost and where I struggled ... and I decided that instead of throwing in the towel, I'd fix it.

I said all of that to say this: sometimes God lets us go through some trials in our lives because we need to evaluate ourselves and see the areas we need to improve. Do you think messing up in front of 50-60 or more people is fun? Nope, it's not. My face turns fifty shades of red. It's not fun when Josh asks, "what happened there?" But it's necessary. If I'm ever going to learn or improve, I have to be corrected. God does that with us in the spiritual mindset, doesn't He?

Last night, Bro. Kevin said, "get your mirror out and preach to yourself." I thought of the verse in James 1 that says "23 For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass:

24 For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was.
25 But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed." This verse is talking about someone who looks at themselves in their "spiritual mirror", so to speak, and although they see a need for change and improvement, they walk on and don't fix it. However, the Bible goes on to say that if the person is a doer of the Word, or someone that tries to correct the issue, they will be blessed. 

God uses things in our lives to shed light on areas we need to improve in. A lot of the time, those experiences are not the most pleasant and we see many things about ourselves we would rather not look at. If we just surrender to the Lord, though, and allow Him to change us, we will be thankful for those times of correction.

Another illustration to think of is if you had food on your face. You can't see your own face, so you are completely unaware that you've got a hunk of ketchup on your cheek. Once a friend tells you, you kinda blush for a second and wonder how long you've walked around like that. You're embarrassed because you've looked silly. "Who saw me looking like this?" However, in spite of slightly being embarrassed, aren't you glad someone told you?

That's the same thing here. Whether we are learning how to follow and serve Christ, learning an instrument, or learning just how to do life ... It's an important to be corrected and to follow as needed. It's necessary for growth. 

I may never be the best pianist in the world and that's cool. However, I want to be the best that I can in the capacity God would have me to serve. I can't let discouraging thoughts over messing up or having issues that need fixing allow me to think its time to quit or just ignore the correction altogether. The devil has a field day when I go there because then I'll start hitting myself on other things like being a bad mom or bad wife. Just take the hint and get back up. I've got to keep moving forward. 

My experience playing piano is very much a reflection of things going on with me personally and spiritually ... So I think it's funny how one seems to intertwine with the other. It's a definite possibility that God put me in the position to learn piano a few years back because He knew I'd need a challenge. He knew I'd need the love of music. He knew I'd need more changing to become more like Him.

Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ: 

- Philippians 1:6

And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

 - Galatians 6:9

Dreams

This past weekend we moved Nathaniel into his own room and Joanna into Constance's room. We decided that Joanna was old enough for a toddler bed and that it was time for the boys and girls to be separated. I was sure that Nathaniel would feel left out in his own room and it seemed like he was a little at first, but now he loves it. We talked it up real big and said it was a "man's room" and he loved the idea. The girls are adjusting well to sharing a room, but Joanna is enjoying not having a crib keeping her locked up. That girl was up at 4:50am chasing the dog around the house and giggling! I had to grab her and put her in bed with me, because that was just a bit too early! Constance loves having Joanna in there with her, in spite of the age difference. She likes feeling like she is helping me take care of Joanna. So, aside from my very early wake up call this morning, it's been a fun transition!
God has really been blessing ministry wise! I had gotten very discouraged these last few months and almost kind of felt like all of our dreams and visions for the ministry were foolish and I just needed to sit back. I was dealing with some of the worst anxiety of my life (still am, but I'm managing it a little better) and I was tired of seeing people fall out of the ministry, get hurt, and everything else you see if you have been involved in it for any time at all. I was also feeling like we aren't good enough to do any of the things we desire to do and that we'd be better off to be pew warmers, offering a hand where we can, and just coast along. Funny that I had that attitude about it all, because it seemed like every time I thought that, God would give us something else to do. Little did I know, He was just keeping us busy so that we WOULDN'T quit.
The thing is: we aren't good enough for any of the things God has blessed us with. We aren't good enough to be saved and on our way to Heaven. It's because of what Jesus did for us at Calvary that we can claim the blood and His righteousness. We are just sinners that made really dumb decisions as young people and yet, God picked us out and said, "I've got a plan for y'all." (I'm not a Calvinist, but I do believe God has a special plan for every person if they just accept Him.) He pulled us out of the miry clay and changed our lives and our home! God will begin to deal with us about things that He wants to do and I'll think, "No, we can't. We aren't like all of these other people. We are just country Josh and the crazy brained wife." And yet, God hasn't taken the desire from us. Just like when I prayed for God to take away the desire for Joshua to preach if it wasn't His will, I've asked to take away other desires we have had if it isn't what He wants. It seems like just the opposite is happening.
Our pastor and his family were out of town yesterday, so it was on us to make sure the service ran properly and my husband also preached. It was our first little glimpse of what our pastor does ... getting just the tips of our toes wet. His job is a 24/7 job, so it would be unfair to say that having the responsibility on Sunday is the same as what he does. However, it was so much fun! It was also a good opportunity for us to get to know the church a little better, as we haven't even been at this church for a year. I played piano for the choir and felt much anxiety about not being even close to the pianist that our pastor's wife is, but I felt like I was able to connect with the choir in a different way by playing for them, following them, and them trusting me to play along with them. It was a sweet service all around and the Lord really met with His people. I was beat by the time we had our evening service, but it was a great day. And I felt like God used the day to give me a little push and say, "Go ahead. Dream big."
I don't know what God has for us in the ministry. I don't have any clue. I wouldn't have believed it if someone had told me where we would be today this time last year, so anything can happen. However, I know God has an amazing plan. In the midst of an ever changing and darkening world, God can still do big things and bring His perfect will to pass. I'm thankful for the ability to dream. Even when those dreams are crushed God has a way of putting them back together.

I love how a couple of sermons from two different preachers can both speak to me in similar ways. It never ceases to amaze me how God can orchestrate a service and speak to each person individually. Kinda like the night I got saved. Many people were blessed to hear the testimonies of others and share their own, but God used it for me to realize that although I was trying to live a Christian life, I had never come to the place of repentance in my life to truly begin that journey thus making me lost.
God used that service, divinely planned, to touch every person in that place. And I believe His promise that where two or three are gathered, He will be in the midst of them. This is why I love to hear preaching, why I crave it some days. It's more than just learning some facts or sitting under a lecture ... it's hearing God's Word and Him speaking through the man of God. If the preaching is done through the power and demonstration of the Holy Spirit, I can guarantee I will get something from it every time. You might hear something else, but because God is a personal Father ... He deals with each of His children on a personal basis.
I like remembering things like this, especially with the battles I am facing. I feel really silly even saying that because I can look at my life and it's good. I have three beautiful kids, I am married to a wonderful Godly man who desires to preach the Word, I am in a church that desires to please the Lord, I have great friends and family ... but in my mind, I just get into a very dark place. I can't seem to calm down, the Bible verses that used to comfort me just seem to stare back at me with no effect, and I feel like God has left me. That is absolutely not true, but when you're dealing with anxiety, it can feel true. A lot of things can feel true. Bro. Lee Watts described me to a T lastnight, when he was talking about getting things right with God and how we expect things to go back to the way they were, but instead it seems like we have weights pulling us down and keeping us from being able to fight the way we used to. I get angry, frustrated and wonder why this is happening. I beg God to make it go away, to just give me peace and let me go on my happy way. And yet I'm still here ... I won't even try to explain what "here" really feels like, because it changes every five seconds.
Remembering my past victories, times that God has dealt with me about something or spoke to me through a sermon, or got me through a rough time ... remembering those times can help me right now. I wish I could say that all of my problems escape the moment I turn on Gospel music or preaching, though it helps, because a lot of times I wake up the next day in the same pit I was in before. Sometimes it is moment by moment grace I have to ask for, because in an instant I can go off somewhere crazy in my head and need to pull myself out of there again. I sometimes don't feel like there is an end in sight to the thoughts and feelings that mess with me. However, I can look back and see God's hand on my life through various times and experiences. I can remember as clear as day the way He convicted my heart about my lost condition, or even after salvation when I had done wrong and I needed to get it right. I can remember sermons preached that God used to change my life. I can remember the comfort He gave when I was scared or sad. Right now my feelings are a mess and a lot of days I am having a hard time getting a grip, but I can have assurance that God is doing something in my heart and life because I've seen Him do it before. I just have to keep pressing forward and trusting Him. I turned on the Campmeeting service this morning and as I was very encouraged through the two messages I heard, believing God intended them for me even via Internet, and I got that grace. I got the little push I needed to fight back and realize this is just a rough time I'm going through and I'll come out on the other side. Either it'll end or Jesus will come back, which I'm cool with completely. I remembered Campmeeting services in the past, where God dealt with my heart and gave me a desire to serve Him, and although I want to get angry that I'm not as happy go lucky as I used to be, I'm thankful that I have that to look back on in times like these.
It goes a lot deeper than my feelings or the thoughts that seem to plague me when I'm alone. It's the Truth I can stand on and have hope in when the feeling in the pit of my stomach says something else. Its the Holy Spirit that gives me the desire and urge to dig in a little deeper and fight a little harder.