I love my oldest child. She was my entire universe the moment I met her. However, her first few months of life were very hard for me. I was afraid to take her places because I was nursing and I didn't know if I would have a place to nurse privately. I was afraid to hear her cry. I was afraid that if she cried something was seriously wrong. I was overwhelmed by housework (I chuckle at this now that I have three kids) and the way that it never seemed to get done. I didn't like to be alone. I counted the hours every day until Josh came home. I was a mess.
But I figured that was just first baby blues. I was 19, a baby myself. By the time I made it to my second baby, it was all a breeze. I had freak out moments, but I had already been through it. My third baby? Ha, I remember fixing lunch for the two older kids with my newborn in my arms and thinking nothing of it. I thought I was past ever feeling that way, because I knew how to deal with it. I had the difficult things in life figured out. That's not to say I never had bad days or that crazy brain didn't get to me, but it never felt like that again.
Not until recently. I won't go into a ton of details, but my life has majorly changed in the last six months. Everything is different and I have felt totally uprooted from everything I have ever known in my adult life. These changes knocked me to my knees. I've questioned everything. My salvation, whether or not I can trust anyone, whether or not I can trust myself, whether or not God's Word is true, and so on. I have been in a deep, dark pit that I didn't think I would ever be in again. I thought I was past all of that. I was hit with the most intense anxiety of my life, alongside with depression because I just could not get a grip. It feels very much like what I experienced after having my first baby.
What does that time in my life and this have in common? Change. I don't like it. I need it, it's good for me. However, since I thrive on routine and structure, the fear of the unknown and not having familiarity freaks me out.
I can't say it's over either, because today was one of those days.
This has been a depressing post so far. I'm sorry. I know that since I'm a Christian, I should have some really positive and upbeat story. Guess what? I'm a Christian because there was a time in my life that I realized that even being a good person could not do for me what Christ could, that I needed Him in my life. I realized I was lost, a sinner, and no good deed or positive Joel Osteen sermon could do for me what He could. And that's where this story is going to get good.
I am in a rough patch right now because I'm a sinful human being in a fallen world. We get hurt, we get knocked around, and we just can't seem to get a grip after the fact. The devil roams this world trying to tear me down, trying to get me to "curse God and die." Stuff happens. Life knocks us on our hind end and it hurts. However, I sure am glad I don't have to go through it alone. I am thankful that there was a time when I asked Jesus to save me and that He hasn't left me since. I am thankful that even when I am terrified that I'm not really His, I can't ever be lost again. That's how I got through those days as a new Mama ready to rip the hair from my head. That's how I'm going to get through this crazy time in my life.
I went to church tonight and it blessed me. Beforehand, my depressed mind didn't really feel like it, but I determined long ago that unless I was puking or had a sick kid, I would be there. It was nice to see faces of my brothers and sisters in Christ, who I watched encourage one another and love each other. It was a blessing to see the way our youth group kids have such tender hearts and will love onto ya so easily. It was good to be reminded that even in my clouded mental state, God is doing something here and He has given me the privilege to witness it. I felt peace being in my church, serving my Lord, doing what my heart loves.
This blog is called Walking in His Grace for this very reason. I don't know how a new mama gets through it all without the grace of Jesus and I don't know how I would be getting through right now if it weren't for Him. Some days He feels a million miles away, but I sure love those moments when He reminds me why He has me here and encourages me to keep pushing forward.