Simple

I've been quiet lately. I've purposely made my life a little quieter, so that I could take a break from nonsense. Somewhere along the way, I got caught up in the work of the ministry but forgot why I was even doing it. My husband answered the call to preach in 2014 and since that time, I've agonized over so many things in order to please and qualify him for whatever position God has for him. Don't get me wrong - a preacher ought to have standards, as should his wife. However, it became more about the politics, the appearances, and pleasing everyone's idea of what a preacher should be instead of it being what it should be: pleasing God. I don't say all of this to resign myself from any responsibility that God has given me by calling me to be a preacher's wife and mother. However, the clutter that can fill one's mind over trying to be everything in their own strength is terribly exhausting.
I admit that I haven't always been in my Bible or praying like I ought to, which will very easily mess up the way we see things. That's why I have had to get quiet and just simplify. I had to ask the Lord to show me, why in the world are we doing this? Why am I here?
I don't have all of the answers. It would be foolish to try and convince anyone that I do. However, God quickly responded with reminding me that I can't know anything without His Word. As I read it each day, He shows me things about myself and reminds me of things I need to know. I remember why I ever desired to serve, in whatever capacity He blessed us with, and why it's worth it. He reminded me of my calling as a wife and mother, something I've taken much for granted and even resented for a short time. He gives me a little push when I hear my kids talking about Him in the backseat of the car, reminding me that my greatest responsibility is to direct them to Him. He shows me how much others need love and grace.
I've seen some pretty ridiculous stuff in the ministry in my short time thus far, so that can definitely mess with me too. I get why some folks just throw their hands up and from that point forward, they only slightly resemble the servant of Christ that they used to be. That's another reason I've had to be quiet. I've been angry, so very angry about things I've seen. At times, the drama has consumed my thoughts and I've thought - "who in their right mind subjects themselves to this?" It's really weird, but God just gave me peace about it. I'm not happy with things I've seen or the way people can be towards one another, but the Lord is ultimately the one they have to answer to. I can only answer for myself. I've got peace that God wants us to serve in spite of the trouble. That's so easy to say, not as easy to live. That's why I say this peace is really weird, because I've even tried mustering up more anger and honestly, the Holy Spirit just kinda shuts it down. (I find that peace in God's Word, by the way.)
I often share about simplifying my life and this is how I'm doing it in the spiritual sense. I envy my younger Christian self, as I hadn't been wounded or worried about what people thought. I just wanted to serve Jesus and love people! My standards were real to me because God was the driving force behind it, not pleasing man or keeping up with others. Before I'm ever good at anything else that God has given me to do, I have to keep that the main thing. I believe if I just stay in the Word and allow it to transform me, I'll be acceptable in His sight as a wife, mom, preacher's wife, woman in the church, pianist, singer, and lady that chases her toddler through the sanctuary as she tries to keep her out of the kleenexes.

Five Week Update: Citalopram

I've been taking citalopram (Celexa) to treat anxiety for five weeks now. I wasn't really sure how I would do with it or if it would help at all. However, I had reached a point where I was willing to try anything. Early on, when I began to experience some pretty intense anxiety, I was dead set against medication. However, after much counsel with others who have been there before, I figured I would give it a shot. I was miserable, afraid of simple things like leaving the house, and I was depressed because fears that I could normally control were controlling me. I had to do something.

After beginning the lowest dosage, i noticed a change immediately. Perhaps some of that was placebo, but I don't really care. I was starting to be able to face my fears head on and look at them just like they were. Today, it's even better. I still get anxious, I still have crazy thoughts - but I WANT that to happen. Because when it does, I can learn to deal with it again. I can go to the Lord in prayer, with peace of mind, and get the help I need. My thoughts were racing so badly before that I just couldn't do that. I would constantly obsess over something that wasn't helping me. I can also just say - "hey you're anxious. It's just a feeling. Move on." It's been months since I could do that. 

I don't really know what triggered this anxiety in me, though it did seem to hit when I was experiencing some fairly big changes in my life. I was also about 8 or 9 months post partum at the time and really, I haven't been the same since I had my youngest baby. So, it was probably just a bunch of things hitting at once. My mind got all out of whack and was not functioning properly. Just like a diabetic needs medication to help correct something that isn't right in their body, I realized that I need medication to help me. It isn't a fix all or a happy pill, it's just a tool to help me. 

The Lord has been so good to me through this experience. I have had many days where I just couldn't find peace about anything, and in spite of my racing and intrusive thoughts, He would still speak peace to my heart and give me strength to fight through even when I didn't think I could. This situation has brought me closer to Him and has given me a desire to want to know Him more. Maybe being on medicine makes me determined that my peace will come from Him and not a pill. Who knows. All I do know is that I'm thankful for how He has been there. 

Lastly, my husband has been my biggest support. I know it isn't easy to come home from a hard job and not know what you're going to be walking into. Many days, especially when I began experiencing this, he would find me in tears as I was paralyzed with fear. He wanted so badly to do something or say something that could help, but my mind was beyond all form of reason. He has listened to my fears and helped me through many bad days, giving so much of himself to be strong for me. This is the way God commands husbands to love their wives - like Christ loves the church. There have been many hard days, but Joshua has been faithful to pray for me and encourage me in spite of his own weariness. 

This week I begin some new adventures in my life, as I start teaching in a Christian school and my kids begin school as well. I'm sure I'll be shaking in my boots the first day because of the first day jitters, but it'll pass. I'll experience that weird social anxiety around other adults that I always have and then it'll be over as I get used to my new surroundings. I'm cool with that. I get it that I'll always be weird, always a wallflower by nature, and high strung over silly things. I'm happy that I can have fears and anxiety, but that I can deal with them. This experience has taught me that I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was and by God's grace, I can get through more than I ever imagined. 

Five Week Update: Citalopram

I've been taking citalopram (Celexa) to treat anxiety for five weeks now. I wasn't really sure how I would do with it or if it would help at all. However, I had reached a point where I was willing to try anything. Early on, when I began to experience some pretty intense anxiety, I was dead set against medication. However, after much counsel with others who have been there before, I figured I would give it a shot. I was miserable, afraid of simple things like leaving the house, and I was depressed because fears that I could normally control were controlling me. I had to do something.

After beginning the lowest dosage, i noticed a change immediately. Perhaps some of that was placebo, but I don't really care. I was starting to be able to face my fears head on and look at them just like they were. Today, it's even better. I still get anxious, I still have crazy thoughts - but I WANT that to happen. Because when it does, I can learn to deal with it again. I can go to the Lord in prayer, with peace of mind, and get the help I need. My thoughts were racing so badly before that I just couldn't do that. I would constantly obsess over something that wasn't helping me. I can also just say - "hey you're anxious. It's just a feeling. Move on." It's been months since I could do that. 

I don't really know what triggered this anxiety in me, though it did seem to hit when I was experiencing some fairly big changes in my life. I was also about 8 or 9 months post partum at the time and really, I haven't been the same since I had my youngest baby. So, it was probably just a bunch of things hitting at once. My mind got all out of whack and was not functioning properly. Just like a diabetic needs medication to help correct something that isn't right in their body, I realized that I need medication to help me. It isn't a fix all or a happy pill, it's just a tool to help me. 

The Lord has been so good to me through this experience. I have had many days where I just couldn't find peace about anything, and in spite of my racing and intrusive thoughts, He would still speak peace to my heart and give me strength to fight through even when I didn't think I could. This situation has brought me closer to Him and has given me a desire to want to know Him more. Maybe being on medicine makes me determined that my peace will come from Him and not a pill. Who knows. All I do know is that I'm thankful for how He has been there. 

Lastly, my husband has been my biggest support. I know it isn't easy to come home from a hard job and not know what you're going to be walking into. Many days, especially when I began experiencing this, he would find me in tears as I was paralyzed with fear. He wanted so badly to do something or say something that could help, but my mind was beyond all form of reason. He has listened to my fears and helped me through many bad days, giving so much of himself to be strong for me. This is the way God commands husbands to love their wives - like Christ loves the church. There have been many hard days, but Joshua has been faithful to pray for me and encourage me in spite of his own weariness. 

This week I begin some new adventures in my life, as I start teaching in a Christian school and my kids begin school as well. I'm sure I'll be shaking in my boots the first day because of the first day jitters, but it'll pass. I'll experience that weird social anxiety around other adults that I always have and then it'll be over as I get used to my new surroundings. I'm cool with that. I get it that I'll always be weird, always a wallflower by nature, and high strung over silly things. I'm happy that I can have fears and anxiety, but that I can deal with them. This experience has taught me that I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was and by God's grace, I can get through more than I ever imagined.